Happy Days
by sna
Summary: Cap'n Calhoun and company have an average day
1. Chapter One turn back now

Happy Days by Sna  
  
It's your average day on the bridge of the Starship Excallibur: Mark McHenry is slumped unconscious over his console and the ship's on auto- pilot, Robin Lefler is spying on our esteemed Ambassodor Si Cwan via the ship's internal sensors (to Lefler's immense enjoyment Si Cwan is taking a shower and singing some Thallonian battle hymn - off key albeit but the man is trying), Zak Kebron is nursing a hangover and designing a new type of phaser - with a trigger the size of a large banana, Soleta is rubbing her temples and staring as hard as she can at her console in an effort to force it to make sense when it's all blurry and shooting glares at her fellow lieutenants, Burgyone 182 is in engineering doing. something, Elizabeth Shelby is hurling darts at a picture of Admiral Jellico she's brought up on the viewscreen (the sheer size of the image means she hits him between the eyes every time), and Mackenzie Calhoun is.  
  
Not there.  
  
Ah, here's our man, the Captain of the good ship Excallibur exits the turbolift, surveys his crew and nods.  
  
Calhoun: Well good morning all! Good to see you all looking so fresh this morning.  
  
Shelby hurling another dart: Captain, it's 14:32 hours. It's the middle of the afternoon.  
  
Calhoun checks wrist for watch and sees he doesn't have one: Oh.  
  
Shelby: So hurls yet another dart mind explaining why you're 8 hours late for your shift?  
  
Calhoun: Hey, last time I checked I was the captain Commander. If there was an emergency I would've been here in two shakes of a lamb's tail.  
  
McHenry muttering sleepily: Must have been a pretty dead lamb.  
  
Calhoun: I thought you were unconscious.  
  
McHenry: no reply  
  
Shelby having ignored all this: Oh really? Kebron, tell him what we had to do this morning.  
  
Kebron: We were attacked by two Romulan Warbirds.  
  
Calhoun: Oh, well the ship's just fine so I can trust you to take care of things.  
  
Shelby: If you took the time to look Captain you'd notice we don't have a port nacelle anymore.  
  
Calhoun: Oh well Burgyone can make a new one can't s/he?  
  
Shelby muttering under breath: Of course Captain, as soon as hir magic wand is back from the shop.  
  
Kebron: After the Romulan attack, the Redeemers decided to visit. It was a poor decision.  
  
McHenry: No! God no! Not George Michael! kicks out frantically  
  
Calhoun: What the hell is he talking about?  
  
Soleta: He's having a nightmare Captain. I will deal with this.  
  
Soleta gets out from behind her station and staggers over to McHenry's station. Kebron ducks as far as he can behind his console to avoid her glares. She reaches out with one hand in classic mind meld pose before passing out on top of McHenry  
  
Calhoun: Oh. Well at least she shut him up. Who the hell is George Michael anyway?  
  
Shelby: A twentieth century warlord. He brainwashed millions with his insidious lyrics before laying out plans for a nuclear holocaust. Thankfully he was struck by lightning during one of his performances before his plans came to fruition - the metal studs on his leather underwear were a poorly advised fashion decision.  
  
Calhoun: Nasty. So what happened to the Redeemers?  
  
Shelby: We shot them into a million teeny pieces.  
  
Calhoun: Grand. Can I have my chair now?  
  
Shelby: Don't you want to know how we defeated one of the most volatile threats this side of the galactic core?  
  
Calhoun: No. But you'll tell me anyway.  
  
Shelby: We manipulated their shield frequencies using a transmodular polaron beam of half strength but doubled frequency following the guidelines laid out by Doctor Sevren Gil of the Daystrom Institute for Scientific Advancement in Taleron IV.  
  
Calhoun: Uhhhhhhh..  
  
Shelby: Then we used a new phaser modulation to trigger a cascade in their main EPS conduits or whatever they have to pass for EPS conduits because of course we've never seen inside one of these ships and.  
  
Calhoun: does some crochet  
  
Shelby: .then we had to get clear of the area before their ship exploded and we did it by using those new engines developed by the Gregarian engineers of Poloo Nine in conjunction with the.  
  
McHenry: starts singing 'Fly me to the moon' in a deep Sinatra style voice.  
  
Calhoun: orders a three course meal  
  
Shelby: . so we had to. blah blah blah blah blah blah.  
  
Calhoun: dines upon a sumptious multi colored pepper salad starter (with French dressing and those cute little croutons)  
  
Shelby: . blah blah blah blah blah blah Starfleet Regs blah blah blah.  
  
Calhoun: finishes his salad, wipes his mouth with a napkin, and begins the chicken main course (roasted with a lovely potato au gratin side and little bits of parsley)  
  
Shelby: .blah blah blah blah so I said, 'yeah right Riker. Try it and that beard of yours will be kissing the opposite end of your anatomy' blah blah blah  
  
Calhoun: has a small rest after wiping out the main course and is presented with a lovely big bowl of ice cream for dessert (strawberry - and you thought it was a wuss-ass flavor - with coconut sprinkles)  
  
Shelby: .blah blah blah then that tarty little counselor says 'but I love him!' and I'm like 'yeah, but he loves your catty lil' leotard even more honey' blah blah blah.  
  
Calhoun: grins and starts flicking spoonfuls of ice cream at Jellico's picture  
  
Shelby: blah blah blah then Jellico walks in and he's all like 'break it up ladies, come now. Come now' and I'm like 'who the hell are you calling a lady!' blah blah blah.  
  
Calhoun: hits Jellico in the eye.  
  
Kebron: Nice shot, sir.  
  
Calhoun: nods happily and lines up for another go  
  
Shelby: blah blah so by the time Picard walks in admittedly there's a lot of wrestling because I'd knocked that podgy jerk on his fat ass and I know we weren't exactly fully dressed but bear in mind that it was 3 am but all the same there was no need for him to raise that damned French eyebrow but before he could get a word out I beat him to it-  
  
Calhoun: "ooh la la"? was it?  
  
Shelby: I can't believe you were paying attention.  
  
Calhoun: I always listen to you Eppy, just don't always let you know.  
  
Shelby: That's a lie and you know it.  
  
Calhoun: Indeed I do.  
  
Shelby: smacks him upside the head  
  
Calhoun: You know, I should be offended in some way by the fact that I am constantly being assaulted by my first officer but I've gotten so used to it that there's not much to be done.  
  
Shelby: Excellent.  
  
Calhoun: Err yeah. Sure.  
  
Shelby: You can have your chair now.  
  
Calhoun: FINALLY!  
  
Shelby: No need to shout.  
  
Calhoun: I wasn't shouting. That was my outdoor voice.  
  
Shelby: Whatever. Sits down in her chair.  
  
Calhoun: looks at McHenry and Soleta then over to Kebron who is slumping visibly behind his console.  
  
Calhoun: What the hell were the three of you doing last night?  
  
Kebron: glares as balefully as he can at the Captain before sliding onto the floor.  
  
Calhoun: That came out wrong.  
  
Lefler: quickly wiping the drool from her mouth as she looks up from the console screen Actually Captain this might answer a few questions and pull your fat from the fire.  
  
Calhoun: What fat? What fire?  
  
Lefler: doesn't deign to answer but instead taps some buttons and Jellico's face disappears to be replaced by the inside view of Soleta's quarters.  
  
Calhoun: Do you record everything that goes on in this ship Lefler?  
  
Lefler: No, sir.  
  
Everyone: a sigh of relief.  
  
Lefler: The internal sensors do. I just watch it.  
  
Everyone: scratches the back of their necks or whistles nonchalantly  
  
McHenry: No!!! Not the man-eating clams! I just redecorated.  
  
Everyone: stares at McHenry's unconscious form.  
  
McHenry: Whoa Soleta that is one fine outfit you're wearing.  
  
Everyone: doesn't quite know what to say  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
(Yes it will be. Promise.)  
  
Tune in next time for further tales of Drama! Disaster! and Depressing Incompetence!  
  
What exactly did our favorite three Lieutenants get up to last night? Will Si Cwan ever get out the shower? Has Burgyone's wand been fixed yet? Do we want to know what happens next anyway? Where the hell was Selar anyway? Where the hell was Burgyone anyway? Wait, I think our imaginations can answer that! How long will this teaser go on for?  
  
Not much longer. 


	2. Chapter Two like it couldnt get much wo...

Happy Days: part II by sna  
  
It's all of thirty seconds since we last saw the crew of the intrepid starship Excalibur. And now everything's a bit confused. Soleta, McHenry and Kebron had to be taken to Sickbay before Kebron's snoring and McHenry's unconscious babbling drove Shelby to murder. Soleta was taken along too because everyone wanted to know what she'd say when the three of them eventually woke up. We follow the Captain (who naturally has nothing better to do than watch his crew get into embarrassing situations) down to sickbay, walking alongside the Caterpillar Bulldozer which had to be employed to shift the inert Kebron. Nightside security chief Ensign Janos is having a grand time driving his first ever truck.  
  
Janos: Oh this is FAN-TAS-TIC fun, Captain! The most rip-roaring, toe- twirling, jaw-dropping, live-long-day-amazing, absolutely gr-  
  
Calhoun: wonders if the young Mugato is speaking a language recognized by his translator, or if that chicken at lunch had a little more than herb stuffing in it  
  
Calhoun: Glad you're having fun Ensign. Mind the other crewmen as you go though.  
  
Janos: Aye-diddly-aye Captain. swerves just in time to avoid running down Kallinda and Morgan - damn (   
  
Calhoun: backs away slightly, muttering quietly 'Diddly'?  
  
They eventually reach Sickbay and saunter in as casually as one can in the company of two unconscious humanoids, an unconscious Brikar and a Bulldozer. Doctor Selar storms out of her office and scowls.  
  
Selar: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT XENEXIAN!!!?  
  
Calhoun: hides behind a chair squeaking in quiet terror  
  
Selar: WHAT WAS THAT YOU INFERIOR LIFE-FORM!!!!?  
  
Janos: turning to his trembling commanding officer I believe the lady asked you a question, sir.  
  
Calhoun: shoots an evil glare at Janos before peeping out from behind the chair  
  
Calhoun: to himself Picard never had this kind of problem. louder Doctor, we have three unconscious crewmen here. I'd like them revived.  
  
Selar: WELL I'D LIKE A LOT OF THINGS TOO XENEXIAN BUT I DON'T PRANCE AROUND LIKE AN UTTER TWAT EXPECTING EVERYONE TO DO THINGS FOR ME! IT'S ALWAYS, 'DOCTOR SELAR: CAUTERIZE THE WOUND, DOCTOR SELAR: MY HEAD HURTS, DOCTOR SELAR: MY LEG FELL OFF, DOCTOR SELAR: MY UTTER LACK OF ANY INTELLECT HAS RESULTED IN THE DESCTRUCTION OF THE GALAXY.'  
  
Janos: subtley to Calhoun I think that last one was aimed at you, Sir.  
  
Calhoun: turns paler and paler  
  
Selar: I'M A DOCTOR! NOT FRINXING SANTA CLAUS, DO YOUR OWN MAJOR INTERNAL SURGERY! AND ANOTHER THING, DO ANY OF YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT I WANT? WELL THE ANSWER IS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-  
  
Calhoun: Is it physically possible for her to do that without breathing?  
  
Selar: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-  
  
Janos: Apparently so.  
  
Calhoun's comm. badge beeps in that cute way they do  
  
Shelby: shouting Captain, is everything okay? There's some kind of alarm going off down in Sickbay but the sensors can't-  
  
Selar: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-  
  
Calhoun: shouting also Oh everything's fine Commander! All just peachy down here.  
  
Selar: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-  
  
Shelby: still shouting Are you sure?  
  
Guess who: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-  
  
Calhoun: also still shouting Just an. equipment malfunction. Nothing to worry about. whips out his phaser and shoots Selar  
  
Selar: -OOOooooeeep. falls over  
  
Calhoun: holsters phaser and stops shouting Thank the gods. My throat was getting sore.  
  
Shelby: not shouting anymore either Good thing you sorted that malfunction Captain. It was interrupting one hell of a movie up here.  
  
Calhoun: Errr. yeah. Calhoun out. to himself Can I get court-marshaled for shooting my CMO? Ah who cares, I do whatever the hell I want anyway.  
  
Our beloved Captain envisions himself clad in leathers, waving a really big sword and shouting things like 'Make my day Danteri!', 'Lock and load!', 'One for all and all for one!', 'This'll teach D'ndai to steal my toy spaceships!' etc etc.  
  
Calhoun: Ah. the good old days.  
  
Janos: Err. Sir, I don't mean to interrupt your lil' reverie but we've got several problems here now.  
  
Calhoun: What?  
  
Janos: pointing to the still unconscious lieutenants Well I don't know how to wake them up and since Doctor Selar accidentally depressurized Shuttlebay 1 with Dr. Maxwell and the rest of the medical staff in it we don't have any other medics onboard.  
  
Calhoun: Indeed. But that's only one problem.  
  
Janos: I can count, Sir. In addition to the lieutenants now Doctor Selar is unconscious. And you shot her.  
  
Calhoun: Well. how can I be expected to command effectively when my throat is sore?  
  
Janos: speaking very slowly and looking over his shoulder Indeed, Sir. Well it's been an honor serving under you. Your memory will inspire me for the rest of my days. Bye now. takes off as fast as possible  
  
Cahoun: What? Ensign! Where are you going?  
  
Janos: Away from here very fast. bolts through the door and down the hall  
  
Calhoun: Now I know there was something wrong with what just happened. sits on a biobed to ponder for a moment  
  
Calhoun: Oh. Grozit. turns around  
  
Burgyone: having just come out of Selar's office Did you just shoot Selar?  
  
Calhoun's Brain: Tell a lie. Tell a lie. For the love of all that's holy tell a lie!  
  
Calhoun: Err yeah. She was getting really annoying.  
  
Burgyone: stepping forwards and getting taller by the second When I am finished with you the strips of flesh will be the thickness of ribbons. extends claws Your fate will be whispered by mothers in dark places to frighten their children across the galaxies. bares fangs ffshor yoush havesh -shorry retracts fangs for you have struck down my loved one and no matter what it takes she will be avenged upon you and her name etched in the galaxy's memory in your blood! bares fangs again  
  
Calhoun: Oh for the love of all Burgyone! She's only stunned and what do you care? There's no long term thing going on here - your underpants are on and off as often as James Kirk's!  
  
Burgyone: doesn't answer for fear of repeating the fang-lisp episode  
  
Calhoun: See! I'm right! Now come on, they're watching the surveillance of Soleta's quarters last night up on the bridge. We need to get some popcorn or something.  
  
Burgyone: pops fangs back in at mention of tasty junk food Popcorn?  
  
Calhoun: Yuppers. Popcorn.  
  
Burgyone: 'Yuppers'?  
  
Calhoun: smacking his head off a nearby biobed Been spending too long with Janos.  
  
Burgyone: Quit it Captain, save some for me.  
  
Calhoun: getting up and straightening his uniform top Okay Lieutenant Commander, you can kill me later. Preferably after the movie.  
  
Burgyone: Fair enough.  
  
The two of them make their way to the Team Room (I still have a giggle fit every time I see that in print) and make off with several kegs of some sort of alcohol but discover - to their misery - that only un-popped kernels of popcorn are stocked.  
  
Calhoun: The supply staff will be killed for this.  
  
Burgyone: sniffling through tears Well what can we do?!!  
  
Calhoun: ponders for a while before grinning and jumping into the air I've got it!!!  
  
Calhoun continues jumping up and down as Burgyone looks on for a few minutes.  
  
Burgyone: Captain, we can't do whatever your plan is if you don't tell it to me.  
  
Calhoun: looks non-plussed for a while then smiles brightly Oh yeah! Well come on, we'll take the drinks and the kernels up to the bridge. Snatches up the nearest keg and topples over backwards  
  
Burgyone: Why don't we use the transporters?  
  
Calhoun: bounding up from the floor as the barrel rolls over and nearly crushes Burgyone's foot Absolutely! Aren't you clever.  
  
Burgyone: dodging the barrel by a few millimeters apparently not smart enough to ask for a transfer off this ship of the damned. taps comm. badge Burgyone to Watson.  
  
Watson: mmfffl?  
  
Burgyone: Ensign. Report.  
  
Watson: Nuuuuhhhhh.  
  
Calhoun: Ensign Watson, what's your status?  
  
Watson: I just went to bed! P*ss off you mornons!  
  
Calhoun and Burgyone stare at each other.  
  
Calhoun: That's no way to talk to your superior officer!  
  
Watson: I like I give a f**king s**t-worthy damn you idiot!  
  
Calhoun: to Burgyone What do I do?  
  
Burgyone: shrugs and starts chugging out of the nearest keg  
  
Calhoun: rolls his eyes Look Ensign, I need a site-to-site transport. Team Room to Bridge.  
  
Watson: Yeah well I need some F***ing Sleep! Go away.  
  
Calhoun: NO! I want my transport.  
  
Watson: cuts off the comm. signal with a parting set of curses  
  
Calhoun: Picard never had this kind of problem.  
  
Burgyone: Probably because Picard never did the stupid crap you do.  
  
Calhoun: glares at Burgyone as s/he gets to her feet and recaps the keg Awww screw this. taps comm. badge Calhoun to Shelby.  
  
Shelby: Yes Captain?  
  
Calhoun: Commander, transport Burgyone, myself and the containers around us up to the Bridge.  
  
Shelby: Aye Captain.  
  
Everything goes fizzly and suddenly the two of them are back on the Bridge. For some reason Si Cwan, Morgan and Kallinda are up there too, lounging in some rather regal looking couches and chez lounges.  
  
Calhoun: Finally. taps the console Captain's Notebook: Toss Watson out the nearest air-lock when you need a mood lifter. Out.  
  
Shelby: decides not to ask Ready for the show Captain?  
  
Calhoun: tossing himself down into his command chair You're damn right. Let's get it going.  
  
Shelby: It's your show Lefler, let's go.  
  
Calhoun: dishes out the booze in those funny no-spill Starfleet mugs. mmm cheers.  
  
Burgyone: Captain, what about the popcorn?  
  
Calhoun: Oh yeah! whips out phaser and shoots sack of popcorn  
  
The popcorn explodes everywhere and bounces off the roof to rain down from above, in a matter of seconds there's a three foot layer of golden yummy popcorn covering every inch of floor and console space on the Bridge. Calhoun surveys his mess happily.  
  
Calhoun: Wiggy.  
  
Shelby: puts down her drink and sighs into her hands  
  
Lefler: Here we go! dims lights, viewscreen switches from Jellico's dart covered face to a widescreen reel of the corridor outside Soleta's quarters  
  
Si Cwan: What are we watching?  
  
Lefler: Wait and see.  
  
Si Cwan: doesn't like the sound of that and coughs self-consciously  
  
So there we have it. Part two. Apologies for the delay. Next part up soon! (damn, by no you must really want to know what's on that recording () I wish I had that much popcorn and a phaser, that would rock!  
  
Thank you to my review people from Psi-phi and Fanfiction.net. I'm glad you think this is funny. (Captain Calhoun doesn't) 


	3. Chapter Three the video shudder

Thank you to my four reviewers. I apologize for the delay but I know y'all don't care about that - you just want to know what's up next! And damnit you're gonna find out what's on that tape (though you'll wish you hadn't)  
  
So we're still on the bridge of the Excalibur. It's looking nice and homey as always, the lights are down because everyone's about to watch a movie. Well we call it a movie because Lefler's edited it into one. Really it's the -ahem- security footage taken as a matter of course on every starship, even though Kebron has never been told these cameras exist. Never mind eh? Lefler's got to have something to watch on shift.  
  
Well at any rate, the bridge is under 3ft of delicious looking popcorn (courtesy of Captain Calhoun, the galley and his phaser), everybody's (that's Calhoun, Shelby, Si Cwan, Kallinda, Burgyone, Lefler, Morgan and some freeloading crewmen) got a mug of beer in their eminently capable hands (courtesy of Captain Calhoun, the galley and the transporter) and the movie is starting.  
  
The countdown begins:  
  
Five  
  
Calhoun: Hey, does anyone have any beer nuts?  
  
Four:  
  
Shelby: rolls her eyes No Captain, I don't believe they were brought aboard when we left Spacedock.  
  
Three:  
  
Calhoun: Why not?  
  
Two:  
  
Shelby: I'm not really sure. They're supposed to be in the ship's stores.  
  
One:  
  
Calhoun: hmmms ominously  
  
Zero - Start  
  
In a terribly artsy fashion the screen is black at first and only a sound can be heard.  
  
Morgan: Hell Robin, you missed your calling  
  
Robin: Maybe Mother, didn't you once say you'd love to have a daughter who produced various award winning sci-fi series?  
  
Morgan: Probably, anything but an Ops officer. Honestly, in my day there wasn't even such a post.  
  
Robin: under her breath In your day there wasn't such a thing as a post. Responsibility or wood wise.  
  
Morgan: I heard that.  
  
Robin: Good.  
  
Shelby: Both of you shut up.  
  
Robin: with the requisite volume of meekness Yes Commander.  
  
Morgan: mimicking Lefler "Yes Commander."  
  
Calhoun: whips out a phaser and shoots Morgan  
  
Everyone: yay  
  
Shelby: whispered quietly to Calhoun I can't take you anywhere.  
  
Calhoun: So true. turns to the rest of the crew Anymore aggravation like that points in a rather, well, pointed way at Morgan's insensate body then I'll be bringing up security to act as ushers.  
  
Kalinda: Why? You're doing just fine on your own.  
  
Calhoun: turns and stares at Kalinda as though she's sprouted just a second but also a third head I didn't know you could talk!  
  
Wisely nobody comments  
  
On screen.  
  
The sound of footsteps are heard as someone - a skinny, freckled someone - skips backwards over to Soleta's door and beeps the comm. panel.  
  
McHenry: Soleta! Why isn't there anything that rhymes with 'orange'? It's an outrage.  
  
The screen splits so we can see McHenry on one side of the door and Soleta in her quarters, staggering through a field of pale blue bottles on her way to the door.  
  
Soleta: I didn't call you over for consultation of a rhyming dictionary, Mark!  
  
McHenry: Why not?  
  
Soleta: Just. because. Come in.  
  
McHenry: strolls in and takes in the chaos around him. And the fact that Soleta's in her pajamas So why am I here exactly.  
  
Soleta: Because I require your assistance.  
  
McHenry: Is this a sleepover?  
  
Soleta: No.  
  
McHenry: A costume party?  
  
Soleta: No.  
  
McHenry: A rupture in the space-time continuum that's warped my perception of reality?  
  
Soleta: No.  
  
McHenry: Have I stepped into a Mirror Universe where there's inverted colors, gravity has reversed itself, every one's discovered that faster than life travel can't happen and there's a chance in hell you might be attracted to me?  
  
Soleta: No - Mark just be silent and sit down.  
  
McHenry: wiggles his fingers about in Earth sign language as he sits down  
  
Soleta: Stop that.  
  
McHenry: sits and looks at her blandly  
  
Soleta: Now listen, you can speak once I finish talking, I need you to assist me in my latest endeavor.  
  
McHenry: What's that?  
  
Soleta: I am attempting to become so inebriated I cannot stand.  
  
McHenry: You're getting yourself drunk? Why?  
  
Soleta: because it is one of the few things I have not done! The logical course of action is therefore to do it.  
  
McHenry is silent for a moment before nodding and tossing himself back in the chair  
  
McHenry: hmmmmm fair enough, let's run with it!  
  
Soleta: confused Run where?  
  
McHenry: Qu'onos?  
  
Soleta: off-handedly Why not?  
  
McHenry: missing the point as always Because if we try to run from here to the Klingon homeworld we'll suffocate in the vacuum of space. gives it a moment's additional thought and get really tired.  
  
Soleta: rolls eyes and throws a bottle of Romulan Ale at McHenry Drink.  
  
McHenry: Yes I know it is.  
  
Soleta: sighs heavily before lying flat out on the couch  
  
They both sit quietly for a moment. The screen flickers for a moment like the old black and white movies used to.  
  
McHenry: Soleta?  
  
Soleta: mmph.  
  
McHenry: I think you're cute.  
  
Soleta: raising her head and examining him blearily I think you're cute too.  
  
McHenry: Wanna make out?  
  
Soleta: Hell yeah!  
  
A scene appropriate for viewing in one of those atrocious teen romance movies commences.  
  
One of those hellishly incomprehensible 'ballads' by Enrique Iglesias flares into full "I love you Cindy! I love you Fred!" mode and Calhoun bolts from his chair to face an entranced Lefler.  
  
Calhoun: You screwed around with this tape didn't you, Lefler?  
  
(on screen behind her) "I love you, you pointy eared space babe!"  
  
Lefler: No sir, honest to goodness I didn't.  
  
(on screen again) "And I love you too you addle-brained astro hunk!"  
  
Shelby: Oh gods! This is worse than Buffy. puts head in hands and covers her eyes  
  
Meanwhile.  
  
Si Cwan claps one hand over Kallinda's eyes and the other over his own  
  
Kalinda: Awh, Si Cwan.  
  
Si Cwan: You can play around with dead and vengeful spirits all you please Kally, you can be kidnapped by a crazed revenge seeking Thallonian or threatened with death by dog monsters or short evil leprochaun men in pyramid space ships, but this kind of things is psychosis inducing.  
  
Kallinda: But you get to watch.  
  
Si Cwan: No I don't. I'd rather grease myself in pig fat and leap into the Hunger Zone screaming "Here Blackie! Blackie! Here Black Mass!".  
  
Kallida: But they were just about to start taking their clo-  
  
Si Cwan: Yes, yes, I know! I've seen such things before.  
  
Kallinda: That's a lie and you know it!  
  
Si Cwan: That's it! If there's to be no sex for me there's definitely to be no sex for you young lady. Viewed or otherwise!  
  
Kalinda: Yeah there's no sex for you, you never even had a girlfriend!  
  
While the two Thallonians are arguing a simultaneous conversation is taking place to the fore of the bridge.  
  
Lefler: I swear Captain, on my mother's life.  
  
Calhoun: stares at her  
  
Lefler: Okay, bad example. But I didn't! I didn't do anything to.  
  
(on screen) A naked Si Cwan runs through the scene and leaps into the by- now-NC-17-rated scene.  
  
Calhoun: stares at her some more  
  
Lefler: cringes into her chair Err. the original tape. I still have it available.  
  
Calhoun: I thought so.  
  
Lefler: I'll just put it on shall I?  
  
Shelby: calling across the bridge I would, before the trio onscreen start getting it on.  
  
Si Cwan: Did I just hear my own voice? starts to take hand away from his eyes  
  
Shelby and Calhoun: NO!  
  
Si Cwan: puts hand back on eyes  
  
Calhoun returns to his seat [scooping up a handful of delicious popcorn from the floor] and he and Shelby stare at the screen while Lefler locates the new tape  
  
Shelby: Who would've thought he was still red all the way down?  
  
Calhoun: Indeed, must've be some high-octane sunbeds they kept at the Thal royal palace.  
  
Shelby: This is rather disturbing you know.  
  
Calhoun: Yes, I know.  
  
Shelby: I mean - oh-in-the-name-of-all-that's-holy-what-the-hell-kind-of- maneuvre-is-that!!!???  
  
Calhoun: Honestly, Eppy you want to be a Captain and you can't even handle a little oh-gods-lefler-what-the-hell-did-you-base-this-on????!!!!  
  
Shelby: Turn it off! Turn it off!  
  
Lefler hurriedly complies but not before a parting comment can be heard.  
  
(on screen a Thallonian voice can be heard saying) "Now, now McHenry I'm not Burgyo-"  
  
Shelby: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Calhoun: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!  
  
Si Cwan and Kalinda: eyes still covered What?  
  
Passing blue-shirt ensign: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  
  
Passing gold-shirt ensign: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
Passing red-shirt ensign who usually takes the helm when McHenry can't be bothered or likely would've been killed if he had been there: drops dead from shock  
  
Burgyone: Sweeet! Make a copy and forward it to me Robin!  
  
Lefler: Yes sir!  
  
Calhoun: shaking his head and blinking his eyes in an effort to dispel the mental picture flying about his brain I've seen countless horrors in my time: crimes against my people by the Danteri, entire planets reduced to ashes by some omnipotently devised device, a good pure captain driven insane with guilt and rage, flaming birds eating bits of planet, a giant black cloud of death, billions massacred by a lethal plague. none of it compares to that.  
  
Shelby: hoists her beer mug and tips the contents of her ever-ready hip flask into it I'll drink to that. downs it all and passes out within seconds  
  
Calhoun: thinking hard about not using the sword he keeps in his ready room to do something Starfleet will go psycho at him for later Lefler?  
  
Lefler: Yes Captain? I have the original tape ready to roll. All you need to do is press play.  
  
Calhoun: Fine. points at her I want you, points at the turbolift to go to your room and think about what you've done young lady.  
  
Lefler: sulkily Yes Captain. gets up and leaves  
  
Calhoun: gets up and heads to ready-room I'll be back in a few minutes.  
  
Si Cwan: Where are you going Captain?  
  
Calhoun: To my room to cry.  
  
Well hence was included the requisite sex content of all Excalibur adventures. Don't worry, the story's not finished yet, we need to know what's on the actual tape (I hear you screaming - "NO NOT AGAIN!!!!") and well, I thought Burgyone wanted to kill our illustrious leader. Not to mention all the other cool stuff that's going to happen.  
  
Yes, it will happen! I just don't know what will happen yet.  
  
Review if you feel like it ( 


	4. Chapter Four A Questy thing!

Happy Days Again: 

So where did we leave our erstwhile crew? Well Lefler did some ahem creative editing on the security film from Soleta's quarters and was sent to her room by the Captain for her trouble. Now the shell-shocked remnants of the bridge crew are gearing up to watch the actual video tape (well technically it wont be video, it'll be some sort of high tech gadgetry much more advanced than anything we have today).

Calhoun examining Lefler's abandoned Ops console: Hold on just a damn minute! Someone explain to me why my state-of-the-art spaceship doesn't even have a DVD player!

Shelby: Jellico took it away. He said if we couldn't dance to his puppety tune then we couldn't have our toys.

Calhoun: That's so lame. It's not like we even get paid or anything.

Kebron: I do.

Calhoun spinning around like the rest of the Bridge Crew: I thought you were unconscious in Sickbay.

Kebron: Oh. Yeah.

Kebron vanishes. The Bridge Crew stay in confused silence for a minute.

Kallinda: What the hell was that?

Ci Swan eyes darting feverishly about: Gods, there's not two of them is there?

Shelby: Hold on, Kebron gets paid! Why the hell don't we?

Passing red-shirt ensign who's been seen several times this season and the viewers all smile pityingly at because they know he's about to be killed in order to forward the character development and/or plot within an episode: Maybe because he actually does his job.

Everyone: stares at him malevolently

Passing red-shirt ensign who's been seen several times this season and the viewers all smile pityingly at because they know he's about to be killed in order to forward the character development and/or plot within an episode: And he has a cool name, wouldn't you love to be called Zak?

Everyone: just stares at him

Passing red-shirt ensign who's been seen several times this season and the viewers all smile pityingly at because they know he's about to be killed in order to forward the character development and/or plot within an episode: shuffles off

Calhoun taking charge, for once: Right, where were we?

Shelby: Lefler's movie.

Burgyone: You mean Lefler's XXX rated pornography fest?

Calhoun: Yes, that's the one. Well not really shudders lets not do that again, I mean the original.

Shelby: Captain, do we have to?

Calhoun: What's wrong Commander, scared?

Shelby: You're damned right I am, I will be in counseling for the rest of my life over that thing.

Burgyone to hirself: I'd like to be at that counseling session.

Shelby: Shut up Burgyone. Have no doubt, you'll need counseling after I'm through with you.

Burgyone: well-

Shelby: And before you twist that into something. er. twisted, that was a threat, not thinly veiled innuendo.

Burgyone: Damn.

Now we're back at the bit of the video from just before Lefler er. took liberties with reality.

Soleta: rolls eyes and throws a bottle of Romulan Ale at McHenry Drink.

McHenry: Yes I know it is.

Soleta: sighs heavily before lying flat out on the couch

They both sit quietly for a moment. Then McHenry pops the lid off his bottle of Romulan Ale and takes a big gulp

McHenry: Ooh.alcoholy.

Soleta peering owlishly at him from the arm of the sofa: You are so bizarre.

McHenry: You don't know the half of it. Hey! I need pajamas too!

Soleta: Do I have to get move? takes another gulp of ale

McHenry: Nope. Do I?

Soleta: Dunno. I'm off-duty. Oooh the colors!

McHenry: Hmmm.

They both think about it for three hours, drinking steadily.

McHenry: Yes. Factoring the quadratic constants of Xybothian physical principles I've come to the conclusion that I do need to move in order to get my pajamas.

Soleta: blinks at him Who the hell are you anyway?

McHenry: Mark McHenry, Soleta. You know that.

Soleta: Oh yes, yes McHappy. I know you, the weird one.

McHenry: Yep. That's me! he staggers off to get his uniform

Soleta: flops back onto the couch Meh. Why are all my friends weird?

Couch: Because you are weird, my Almighty Master!

Soleta: Damn straight.

McHenry comes back with Kebron in tow. McHenry's pajamas have cute blue stars on them. Kebron is in uniform and looking like he always does.

Soleta: What is the wall doing here?

McHenry: Keeping the bulkheads from collapsing.

Kebron: I think she means me.

Soleta: No. I meant the wall. Hello Zap.

Kebron: to McHenry How much has she had to drink?

McHenry: shrugs No idea whatsoever. scratches his nose I like pie.

Kebron: sighs Frell. I should have just not answered the door.

McHenry: Well I could have just not come-a-calling.

Kebron: Would that such were the case. picks up a bottle of ale Isn't this stuff illegal?

Soleta: I like pie too McHenry.

Kebron: rolls his eyes Never mind. eats the bottle

McHenry: See why I brought him? Instant evidence gone bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bai bai abi babbbbbbbbbbbbbuiiiiii freeeeeep. falls over

Kebron: eats another bottle Hmmm just like out Academy days.

So time passes with several drunken endeavours. They call up San Franscico:

McHenry: Yeah? I'd like to speak to Ima Gia'nt Weenie.

Voice on other end of line: Yes? This is Gia'nt Weenie, Bolian Attache Office.

McHenry: Tee hee!

Soleta: Greetings simple human. I would like to speak to Hugh Jass.. Yes that's correct I'm looking for a Hugh Jass. why are you laughing? Wait, McHenry did you make that up.

McHenry: Tee hee! rolls over giggling

Kebron: Hello? Connect me to Admiral Jellico's Office. It doesn't matter if he's in a meeting with the top brass - this is of life and death importance to the entire Federation! Thank you.

Jellico: Hello? What's the matter, who is this?

Kebron: This is I.C. Weener, Captain of the USS Office Desk. Just to let you know Admiral - that shipment of Zantos Ale you ordered is on it's way. Shall I have the Orion Slave Girls decant it for you?

Jellico: What! No, you have the wrong person here!

Kebron: Admiral Edward Jellico, Starfleet Headquarters San Francisco, Earth, Sector 001?

Jellico: No No That's not me.

Various Admirals and Federation Big-Wigs: Jellico what is going on here?

Kebron: See sir, though you may be confused the people in your office seem to have a good grasp of who you are. Shall I just put this shipment on your tab?

Jellico: Look there's been some mistake - I haven't even had my coffee yet!

Kebron: No mistake sir, I'll leave the various contrabands in your secret Interplanetary Love Nest shall I?

Jellico: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Kebron: hangs up

McHenry: Tee hee!

Soleta: snigger

Kebron: Right McHenry, Soleta, you two owe me three slips of gold pressed latinum.

McHenry: Gods, I can't believe you just did that for the old-earth equivalent of a quarter.

And so on the night goes. They all get pretty damn drunk and it turns into a round of whose parents were the most embarrassing/annoying/criminal/homicidal/etc etc.

McHenry: No no nono no nononononononono. my Dad wouldn't come to my Parents Nights after I turned seven. He ran off. Something about demon spawn, I mean come on, he'd only have himself to blame for that surely.

Soleta: Gotcha beat McHarry: my father was actually and escaped Romulan convict who attacked and nearly killed my mother before escaping only to be caught years later by the ship I was serving on where I realized the truth, confronted my parents about it and bunked off Starfleet until returning to active duty and eventually meeting up with him once again except he didn't know who I was and in the end he died trying to save my life but actually used me to destroy the Romulan Praetorium in an act of beyond the grave revenge. Jerk.

McHenry blinking: Didn't you need to breathe during that sentence?

Soleta: I'm Vulcan, I don't need to breathe.

McHenry: Well heck, I've got you beat there actually Soleta. My great great great grandfather was a God of Olympus and since I'm the only male child to be born in the lineage since he got my great great great grandmother pregnant I'm the one who exhibits extraordinary demi-god powers. You know that time we when we were at the Academy and Worf's underpants flew around campus for three days straight and no one could explain why. gets a distant, victorious look in his one open eye That was me.

Soleta: Was that because he kept stealing your sock puppets, McHorsey?

McHenry: Yep. Kept saying he needed his socks. Don't see why, he had good scaly feet.

Kebron: Makes sense, I always wondered about the google eyes glued to Worf's socks.

Soleta: Logical.

Kebron clears his throat: Well actually. I've got you both beat on this front.

Soleta and McHenry lean forward. McHenry falls out his chair and onto the floor with a thump

Kebron leaning forward conspiratorially My mother's a politician.

Soleta and McHenry: pass out in an incredulous faint

Calhoun: bolting to his feet That's it! Lefler screwed with this tape too! This story is so far fetched I wouldn't send Balto to go get it!

Shelby: Would you send Lassie?

Calhoun: Yes, but only because I don't like that dog. Collies are creepy.

Shelby: whispering memo to self. contact dog breeders upon return to Earth - should we ever defy the laws of the universe and actually get back.

Si Cwan: Look, who cares about the stupid tape. Don't you people have a mission or something to occupy yourselves with?

Kallinda: Yes, don't you have somebody's long lost family members to reunite or engage in a battle to the death or somesuch?

Calhoun: Why of course! I knew there was a reason Starfleet gave us this ship!

Shelby: rolls her eyes I thought they just handed it over because of your extraordinary good looks.

Kallinda: sniggers

Calhoun: Hey! You are really starting to tick me off - the pair of you. I don't even know why you're still on the ship.

Si Cwan: Hmm for once since I've met you, you've made a cohesive point Captain. turns to Kallinda Well Kally, fancy riding off into the sunset to start our own version of the Thalloinian Empire, or at the very least a high priced restaurant?

Kallinda: Sure! You can cook right?

Si Cwan: No, but I'm sure we'll be able to acquire some cullinarily adept servants on the way.

Shelby: very, very sarcastically The makings of a plan.

Kallinda: The makings of a flan?

Burgyone: mmm flan.

Calhoun: I like flan. But do you know what I like more than flan? Beer nuts. Why the hell don't we have any beer nuts here?

Shelby: I already explained this Captain, they must have been left out of ship's stores when we left Spacedock.

Calhoun: But why? throws himself down on his knees WHY DAMNIT WHY?

Burgyone: What are you, Captain Kirk's lovechild?

Shelby: Who told you?

Calhoun: Both of you shut up, why is it all my crew ever do is make fun of me?

Shelby, Si Cwan, Kallinda and Burgyone: Because it's so easy.

Calhoun anxious to shift from this point: Fine. Who cares, I'm bored. What is there to do around here?

Shelby: Well you could head down to sickbay and see how your injured crewmen are. Seeing as the members of the senior staff unconscious outnumber the members of the senior staff awake perhaps it would be prudent.

Calhoun: Hmm yeah I guess I could. but it'll be boring. And its kinda fun not having Selar alternately insulting or coming on to me every five seconds. And well, it makes a change having competent folk on the bridge. I mean, well, Boyajian here seems to be doing just fine.

Boyajian: tries not to die of heart dysfunction as he races between the science, helm and security stations simultaneously attempting to steer the ship around various black holes and deadly nebulae, defend the Excalibur from the Romulans, the Borg and a herd of venomous space rabbits, and monitor a mould enzyme experiment Soleta had running Sir, yes sir!

Calhoun: See.

Shelby: weeps

Calhoun: Right rubs hands together, I'm off on a quest.

Burgyone: Ooh we haven't had one of those in a while! Can I come?

Calhoun: Sure, it's not like I'd ever leave you in a position of authority on the Bridge.

Shelby: God, just make sure I'm not on the ship should that ever happen.

Burgyone: taking offense Yeah? Well which one of us didn't get their brains and body ripped to shreds by that freaky thing in Ontear's Realm? Huh? Eh? Huh?

Shelby: The thing was telepathic, it took one look in your pervy mind and probably self-destructed.

Burgyone: Still, I kicked it's ass not you! Hah! to Calhoun, who's still rubbing his hands together So Captain not-Shelby-but-Calhoun-

Shelby: throws a dart at hir

Burgyone: yelping as it hits hir backside - what are we off questing for?

Calhoun: Beer nuts.

Burgyone: Ooooh.

Si Cwan: Far be it for me to interfere with a quest of this magnitude but we're leaving now.

Calhoun: How would that be construed as interfering?

Si Cwan: We'll be taking the last shuttlecraft. After Kebron and I blew up the Marquand XXVIII there's only the one left.

Calhoun: Oh come on, Starfleet'll give us another one.

Shelby: Remember the puppety thing we talked about earlier?

Calhoun: Jellico again? Damn that man, he's such a weenie.

Si Cwan: What's a weenie?

Shelby: You.

Si Cwan: looms a bit, no seriously he does. He whips out a loom and starts looming away. In five minutes he's produced a wall hanging that reads:

Commander-not-Captain Elizabeth Paula Shelby

Bite Me

Calhoun: bursts out laughing so hard he nearly pees himself

Burgyone: Hey! That's so cool!

Si Cwan: Damn straight its cool.

Kallinda: What are you? The Fonz?

Si Cwan: pffft. I could kill the Fonz with a flick of my eyelid.

Kallinda: I doubt it since he's already dead.

Si Cwan: Curses, foiled again.

Calhoun: Right, enough of this I don't need the shuttle you pair can take it. There have got to be beer nuts on this ship. I refused to leave port without them and I know no one in this crew would be stupid enough to eat something with PROPERTY OF MACKENZIE CALHOUN stamped across it in red letters.

Burgyone: Right sir! Let's go!

Shelby: Guess I should come keep an eye on you two.

Burgyone: You can keep more than an eye on me Commander.

Shelby: Shut up before I lobotomize you with a salad fork, disembowel you with a teapot and feed your carcass to those rabbits out there.

Calhoun: Hey speaking of rabbits, Boyajian! Do my job, Commander Shelby's job and everyone else's job while we're gone, kay?

Boyajian: collapses face first onto the carpet Shir, yesh, shir!

Calhoun: Good man! Right everyone, let's go!

And so there's part four of Happy Days! Wooohooo! Thanks so much people for pestering me and actually liking this thing. Now I realize it's been a solid year since I last updated and I make but one excuse - it took that long to come up with a chapter this good.

sna:If they believe that they'll believe anything. Bwa ha ha ha ha ha hee hee


End file.
